the female of the species must be deadlier than the male.

What are the odds that the SPCA would let me adopt a kitten? I want a pet.

My neighbors and that sad ball of fluff they call a dog just upgraded to a cute little cookie-cutter house in the suburbs. The first of the moving vans is outside my building right now. Glory fucking hallelujah.

I think I might actually miss them just a little

Yesterday I spent three hours tattooing photorealistic naked ladies on this chubby middle-aged motherfucker's hairy back and pretending not to notice his raging midlife crisis. I had to shave him first. He told me I could lather him up any time I wanted to, and instead of giving one of his naked ladies a dick while he wasn't looking I smiled and played dumb. Elaine, you'd have been so proud of me.

I swear to Christ, though, if he comes back and wants me to give them all bikinis because his wife won't give him a key to the new locks, I'll laugh him out of the building.

My neighbors called the cops on me again, fucking accused me of prostitution like this game isn't old and worn the fuck out by now. Passive aggressive little shits. I can't tell if they just want me to suffer or if they honestly can't tell the difference between a slut and a hooker. And it doesn't really matter, because I'm done playing nice with them now, and they've got to fucking die either way.

Spiros. Nines. Get your asses over here in the next fifteen minutes and I'll let you split the terrier.

Well. I don't know about any of you rule-abiding motherfuckers out there, but I feel a midnight street party coming on. Let's see how many of us they've actually got room for.

Back in the seventies, I used to want to be Marilyn Chambers. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I ever actually stopped. I think I'll be wearing black for a day or two.

If my neighbors don't shut their little embarrassment of a dog up, I swear I'm going to kill it and eat it. Five fucking hours, and it's still barking its undersized head off. I bet terrier jerky tastes like victory.

Thank you, St. Valentine. Goddamn.

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK

Pissing on the steps was real badass, really made a statement the graffiti couldn't have made on its own. Well done. It gave me your scent, you stupid little fucks. Run if you want to, you'll just die tired.

( TOLSTOVS )